Dear Araba,
I am happy to know that you and your husband have resolved your issues. Seriously, you guys are my example of relationship goals. Do not let something as trivial as where to spend the holidays become a complication in your otherwise blissful union.
Although major problems may arise, do not forget the ‘worse’ part in your vows.
Talking about vows, someone has asked me to take some with him. It would have been the highlight of my year, but he happens to have taken these vows already. Yes, the man I am seeing now is a married man, in inference; I am his ‘side chic’.
Do you remember the ‘Good Samaritan’ whom I told you about? I met him soon after I lost my job at the bank. He did not just help me like the Good Samaritan in the bible did for the wounded stranger, but he has been tending to my physical and emotional needs as well, if you know what I mean.
Things were a bit difficult for me during those times, not only because I had become jobless but that was the same time Roland left me to marry his ex. Mr. Quartey was so attentive to my many needs as a young woman, quite unlike my previous boyfriends. I christened him my guardian angel when he went to the extent of giving me money for my start-up business.
In all fairness, I never thought our acquaintance could transform into anything this deep. The plan was to play it safe by being in the shadows as the ‘other woman’ enjoying all the goodies that came with it.
Anyway, I queried Mr. Quartey why he wanted another wife because he never gave me the indication that he had any problems at home. He confirmed this by telling me that he loved his wife, and that he had no plans of leaving her. However, he loves everything about me too and does not see the problem with making our relationship official, rather than hiding to do it all the same. Moreover, he is a traditional man who does not subscribe to monogamy.
This situation obviously reminded me of what my mother went through in her own marriage. On the day my father brought home his children from his mistress; I was so angry at him and angrier at my mother for accepting to care for them as her own. I saw how she used to cry in secret and pretend all was well in front of us.
Apparently my mother had known about her husband’s infidelity all along, so when I questioned why she was tolerating him, she said that men are polygamous by nature. I must have looked at her sheepishly because I did not know what that even meant.
As an adult, the confusion still lingered as to why some men felt the need to have multiple partners at a time. Is it that there are too many women for the men to do ‘wife top-up’ if they liked? Are they simply immoral, lacking self-control or just age-old greedy?
Polygamy has possibly been with mankind since creation, but one explanation I have read concerning polygamy in historic Africa was that, able-bodied young men were sold into slavery leaving many women here without suitors. As such, polygamous marriages ensured that the extra women also got married and had homes for their children.
I can only imagine the solidarity between these women who had to learn to live together because of the situation they found themselves in. I know of a modern Islamic marriage where the wives – a teacher and a nurse – live peaceably with each other and are sometimes thought to be sisters.
Unlike in the Christian religion where monogamy is encouraged, wives in a polygamous home would have to endure the scorn and abuse from one another. This is evident in my auntie, Anima’s marriage, where the untold rivalry between herself and the first wife has even trickled down to their children. Although they live separately, both women try to outdo each other in order to get the most favours from their husband.
Like you said the other day, you are not prepared culturally or religiously to anticipate these kinds of arrangements, thus, your decision to divorce your husband if he ever dreams of bringing another woman to your home.
I have had the experience of being pursued by married men of all sizes and colours, even pastors (whom I naively assumed could do no such thing). Ashamedly, I cannot chronicle how I finally decided to give in to Mr. Quartey’s advances, but I must admit that I have never been happier as he has treated me with utmost respect and care.
Nevertheless, as tempting as this proposition of marriage sounds, I hope to get my own husband someday. Frankly, I do not know if I would agree to my husband bringing another woman into our lives, except he decides to keep side chics I would not be aware of.
When Mr. Quartey’s wife called to warn me to stay away from her husband, I asked her what was the guarantee that her husband will not go for someone else? Maybe if we both married him, we could take care of him to the best of our abilities.
I was just kidding though; do not nail me on the cross yet. I have decided to end this affair, not because of her threats, but I cannot be responsible for breaking someone’s home. Also, it would give me the chance to concentrate on vetting other ‘prospects’ in a bid to build something solid with a likely candidate, other than men who are already taken.
If that backfires, there’s always the choice of moving in with my parents so that we can enjoy watching Akan Drama if it still shows on TV, or the likes of ‘Esmeralda’ which have taken over our screens.
Let us hope that no woman would need to say this prayer in Isaiah 4:1(NIV) – In that day seven women will take hold of one man and say, “We will eat our own food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name. Take away our disgrace!”
I want some fufu with abunuabunu when I come over next month.
See you soon girl, bye!!!
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The writer, Akosua Asor Amponsah, works with Citi FM/Citi TV. She enjoys fiction and relationship writing.
