Sometimes it’s even our own optimism that trips us up.
Despite my own train wreck of a love life, I believe in love. I believe in healthy relationships. And I also believe we often self-sabotage our chance for both. I should know, after all. I’ve had enough failed relationships to know that sometimes we self-sabotage by ignoring the intuition that would serve us well, if only we would heed it.
Sometimes it’s even our own optimism that trips us up, and other times it’s our refusal to learn from our mistakes and to take responsibility for them.
Regardless, I am sure an epic love is out there for each of us, but there are at least 10 ways we actively sabotage our potential love stories.
1. We fall for potential rather than the reality
This is where optimism gets dangerous. Everyone has potential, but not everyone lives up to their potential. This is a huge form of self-sabotage. We often stay in relationships that have the potential to be great- but just aren’t. Maybe our significant others look good on paper, or maybe they are wonderful — some of the time. We see what we want to see, often to our detriment.
2. We ignore red flags
This is easy. We hear what they’re saying, and we interpret it differently, according to what we’d like to believe. More often, we hear them say one thing but do something completely different. Red flags come in many forms, and when we ignore them, we’re getting in our own way of finding someone better suited for us.
A huge red flag we often ignore comes when we have deal breakers that we allow to be flexible. We all have deal breakers, the things that we flat out don’t want in a relationship. But it seems like there’s wiggle room on this when we meet someone we’re attracted to. Ignoring our own deal breakers is a major red flag that this is not the relationship for us.
3. We care too much about what other people think
This is self-sabotage on two fronts: (1) we aren’t authentic in the dating arena, projecting what we think people want to see and hear from us, and (2) we look for someone who will look good on paper rather than be a good fit for us. When we’re not real, it’s hard for the right person to find us, and when we have a preconceived idea of who we should be, it makes it hard to be open to new people and experiences. When we quit caring what everyone else thinks, we’ll be able to truly connect with others at a more genuine level and have the relationships that are right for us.
4. We pretend to be someone we’re not
This likely seems repetitive, but this deserves its own separate category. Caring about what people think and altering our own behavior accordingly is one way that we sabotage our love stories. But pretending to be someone we’re not isn’t always about what other people think. Sometimes, it’s about what we think of ourselves. When we have unhealthy self-esteem, we’re more likely to put up profile pictures that don’t accurately represent us- using older pictures, filters, and photography tricks to make us seem more appealing.
If we’re going to be successful at connecting with others, we’re going to have to get beyond this enough to be honest. About who we are. About what we want. We’ll never have a truly epic love story when we’re too busy hiding behind masks, afraid to show up as we are in case we’re rejected.
5. We repeat unhealthy relationship patterns by avoiding accountability
We all make mistakes. My mistake has often been in trusting someone who hadn’t yet earned that trust or whose glaring red flags made trust a foolish choice.
If we want to avoid repeating our unhealthy relationship patterns, we have to identify the choices that we’re making that are leading to those same outcomes. When we take responsibility for those mistakes, we can then move forward by initiating change. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? Don’t be crazy. Break the cycle.
6. We don’t communicate effectively
Communication is key, but few of us grow up learning how to communicate effectively. Most of us oscillate between being passive aggressive and just plain aggressive. Effective communication involves communicating about our feelings, avoiding blaming and shaming, and even confronting problems head-on rather than avoiding them.
If it sounds like I know a thing or two about this, I should mention that I used to be a therapist. Effective communication was something I taught in every single couple and family session. If we want to have healthy relationships of any kind, we’ve got to learn to communicate well.
7. We treat love like a game. (Are we winning yet?)
Love isn’t a game, so why is dating? It seems like some people are playing by certain rules and others do whatever they want. The result is that there are a lot of failed relationships or unhappy matches because love has become something to play at rather than a way of connecting with others at a deeper level. I’m not saying love shouldn’t be fun, but we should never treat people like pawns in our game.
8. We cheat
Cheating takes many forms. There’s the standard infidelity, which shows a lack of respect, boundaries, and loyalty. There’s financial infidelity, which involves being deceitful about money while showing a lack of respect, boundaries, and communication. There are even those who spend time looking for other options and flirting with other people while in a committed relationship, which demonstrates all of the above issues.
Cheating doesn’t have to mean a sexual relationship with someone else. An emotional relationship is quite enough. Financial cheating also has a similar impact as actually going out and sleeping around. All of these behaviors prevent us from engaging in healthy relationships.
If we’re not well suited for monogamy, there are other relationship structures that accommodate other relationships without cheating. Polyamory and open relationships are two examples. If we want that sort of relationship, it has to be communicated because it’s not fair to the other partner otherwise.
9. We have poor boundaries
Boundaries are tough, but they’re important. So often, when we get in relationships, we allow our boundaries to dissolve. We forget that we need to speak up for ourselves, protect our autonomy, and let people know whey they are overstepping an essential boundary.
Just because we let someone into our hearts doesn’t mean that they can walk their dirty boots all around the place. Being able to say no and set some basic boundaries isn’t being mean; it’s a healthy part of any relationship.
10. We forget that loving ourselves is the most important thing we can do
We get in a relationship, and we often merge with the other person. We stop hanging out with friends, or we quit doing the things we enjoyed doing when we were single. All of our free time becomes “we” time, and we give up that essential “me” time. We forget in all of the rush of a new love that loving ourselves is just as important. When we start neglecting ourselves, we sabotage the most important love story we’ll ever have: the one we have with ourselves.
I do believe in love. I always have, always will. Sometimes I think it hasn’t always been kind to me, but the truth is that I’ve sometimes loved people while ignoring their red flags or my own intuition. I’ve loved people for their potential rather than the reality. I’ve done things that have self-sabotaged my relationships. I don’t mean that I was with The One and screwed it up; I mean that it’s hard to find ourselves in an epic love story when we keep wasting our time with the wrong people because we’re repeating those old behaviors.
Love alone is not enough. Sometimes we stay for all the wrong reasons, and then we wonder why we’re so unhappy. The truth is that we all deserve a healthy relationship, but those kinds of relationships take work. It’s the kind of work that doesn’t just mean working together on the relationship problems. It also means that we work on ourselves, a project that is never finished if we want to continue to grow. It means we love ourselves and carve out time and space (using those boundaries) to give us room to grow. It means that we start honoring our intuition rather than the fantasies we paint of others.
When we stop self-sabotaging, we might find the path cleared to deeper relationships. Or maybe we just find ourselves spending a little time alone, which is not as bad as it might seem. In fact, sometimes it’s pretty wonderful. Epic love is possible. But not if we keep getting in our own way.
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Source: Your Tango